


Grim Surprise

by PaddieCake



Series: Hargreeves Family Spaghetti Bowl of Fun [4]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Betad but we still die like ben, Bondage (but not the sexy kind), Crack Treated Seriously, Dave Lives (Umbrella Academy), Diego and Five are Good Brothers, Excessive use of the word fuck, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Grace is Best Mom, I just have a bad sense of humor, Klaus Wants it to be the sexy kind, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Injuries, Minor Violence, improper use of a chainsaw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23311303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaddieCake/pseuds/PaddieCake
Summary: Diego just wants to cook with his mom.Klaus just wants to mope.Or:The one where sometimes you get more than you hope for, and Five gets to punch people.Also:The one where nobody taught these idiots how to dress themselves.
Relationships: Chainsaw/Chainsaw, Dave/Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Grace Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Five/And Fighting, Grace Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: Hargreeves Family Spaghetti Bowl of Fun [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1674742
Comments: 14
Kudos: 224





	Grim Surprise

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a Dave/Eudora Patch relationship tag while doing this? I'm so intrigued.
> 
> This is the best thing I've ever written. I've peaked. Enjoy.

It started with a loud bang.

Diego was in the kitchen helping mom cook. Diego would have never admitted to being interested in cooking in the past. But new timeline, new Diego. 

He was even wearing an apron. It was blue.

With bunnies on it.

But the nice quiet time he was spending with mom was suddenly disturbed by a loud bang.

In seconds he and Five were in the main hall. He knew Klaus was somewhere, he should check on him again, he wasn't in a great mood today. 

Grace walked in behind him. "Go check on Klaus, mom. We'll deal with whoever it is." He said gently, placing a hand on his mother's arm.

Grace's eyes scanned the door, or rather looked through the camera by the door. Whatever she saw she deemed it a threat they could handle on their own. "Of course dear, stay safe." She said kindly, her heels clicking against the marble as she left.

Five looked Diego up and down. "Nice apron." 

The little bastard was smirking, and his voice was filled with far more sarcasm than he ever had when complimenting  _ Klaus' _ clothes. Diego was much more stylish than Klaus. Allison once said he had a great sense of style!

She then laughed for a full minute.

Diego grumbled "You're all assholes, I'm not the one who spent two months wearing the Academy uniform." Diego pointed out.

Five cackled, like he was stylish _.  _ The bastard was wearing a sweater vest, jean shorts, and birkenstocks.

With  _ socks _ . Knee high socks. 

"So you have a worse sense of style than  _ dad _ . Good job, Diego."

The door burst open and someone shouted "Chainsaw!" Loudly over the sound of a revving engine. 

Diego settled for flipping Five off before grabbing a knife out of his harness, flipping it in his hand.

Two figures stood in the doorway. One holding a gas powered chainsaw, the other one holding some sort of automatic weapon. It looked familiar though he couldn't place how. 

Knives were infinitely cooler.

Diego looked at the chainsaw again frowning. 

But weren't chainsaws just really big knives?

Diego looked down at the blade in his hand, wondering how practical it would be to carry a chainsaw blade with him. His knives were  _ fine _ of course, but the chainsaw was  _ serrated _ . 

The chainsaw revved dangerously, pulling Diego out of his thoughts. He was wearing a deep red suit and a rubber clown mask. Diego felt a shiver run down his spine.

The other one was wearing an all black suit and a pale white mask that seemed to resemble a screaming ghost.

Diego  _ definitely _ had a better sense of style than these assholes. Fuck Five for making fun of his apron. 

One of them was wearing the  _ laziest costume in existence. _

"You two are new." Five notes, eyeing the chainsaw with mild amusement. He seemed unconcerned, that must be a good thing. Five was worried about Hazel and Cha-Cha. These two must be significantly less dangerous.

"You're still wanted by the Commission. Alive or dead, we don't care." Stitches said.

Ghost Mask turned to look at his partner, head tilted as if to disagree.

Diego waited one second, two, and then he sent a blade curving through the air hitting Ghost Mask in the shoulder. 

The assassin gripped at his shoulder and Diego could have sworn the eyebrows scrunched in pain.

He grabbed two more knives as Five blinked out of their line of sight, jumping onto the back of Stitches.

The clown revved his chainsaw up again, pointing the weapon towards Five, still clinging to his back but blinking away quickly. 

Diego threw two knives at Stitches to catch his attention, barely grazing his clown nose.

The clown stilled, eyes following the blades as they curved past him. "Chainsaw!" He shouted running up to Diego, brandishing the whirring monster over his head.

Diego dodged easily, kicking the guy in the back. 

The chainsaw skidded across the ground making a horrible screeching, whirring sound.

Then it burst into flames.

"Damn." Five. Diego, and Ghost Mask said in varying degrees of disappointment.

"Chainsaw!" Stitches repeated again, though he sounded as if he lost a lover, rather than an impractical weapon.

"Chainsaw." Ghost Mask sighed, rubbing a hand across his mask. "We  _ told _ you it was a bad idea."

"Wait, his name  _ is _ Chainsaw?" Five said, pouring a bucket of dirt on the flaming chainsaw. Diego hadn't seen Five blink away at all. 

"Chainsaw!" The red-suited clown confirmed as he tried to get up, lunging for Five again.

Five reared back a fist and punched him square in the nose. As soon as he fell over Five aimed a kick to his head, knocking the man out.

"I was hoping his nose would squeak." Five admitted with a shrug. 

"It did not. You know, I've been calling him Stitches in my head." Diego added conversationally. 

Five shrugged, obviously still disappointed by the nose not squeaking. "Who the Hell hired this idiot, anyway?" 

There was a coughing sound and both Hargreeves turned around to face the Ghost Masked man.

"You did?" Five asked, raising an eyebrow.

The other man shook his head "No, no, no. I think they're testing my abilities." He admitted, looking over at Chainsaw. "Or this was a suicide mission." 

Diego eyed the would-be assassin, he had plenty of more knives to use, so why wasn't he trying to fight?

"Interesting." 

"Yeah, honestly I'm only doing this so-" 

Five had blinked again, once again clinging to the back of the assassin. Ghost Mask lost balance, sending them toppling to the floor.

  
  


Now Diego and Five have the two wannabe assassins bound up in chairs in their father's office.

Five removed their masks, watched them a moment, then slapped the ever loving shit out of their faces to get them to come to.

"So we got his name, what's yours." Five asked the Ghost Masked assassin

"Grim." 

G-d that was an awful name.

"That's a stupid name."

Grim shrugged, "It seemed appropriate.

Diego moved closer to Grim, placing his hands on either side of him and getting into his face.

"So the Commission is after us?"

Chainsaw was writhing in his seat, the feet of the chair banging against the floor. "Chainsaw want to fight! Chainsaw want to fight!"

"You shut up. So what's the Commission after exactly?" Diego asked, narrowing his eyes.

"I don't know, we were just told to come here to eliminate you guys." 

"Why did they send  _ you _ ?" Five asked, crossing his arms. 

"Like I said. They're testing us or it's a suicide mission. We only just finished training." Grim admitted.

"Shut up, shut up! They're gonna be so mad at me." Chainsaw whined. He bent his head trying to chew at the rope keeping his hands down.

Grim shot Chainsaw an incredulous look. "You really think we're surviving this?" What he said seemed to finally register, fear washing across his face. "I… Wait. Are you going to kill us?"

Diego looked to Five. Neither of them wanted to. And it would be suspicious if they did. They would just send more after them.

They might do that anyway.

"Maybe." Diego said with a shrug, acting as nonchalant as possible. 

"L-look. I can tell you  _ everything _ I know. I  _ need _ to live." Grim said, eyes wide, voice pleading. 

"Argggggh! Fuck traitor! Fuck the... shit, you fuckhead!" Chainsaw was screaming, still trying to twist out of the bonds holding him down. He only succeeded in crashing to the floor. "Rarggggggg." He continued to squirm on the floor, still snapping his teeth at the bonds. 

"And why do you 'need to live'?" Five asked, watching as Chainsaw continued to shout obscenities, now muffled by his face being smushed into the floor. 

"B-because…" 

Diego turned back to Grim, spotting a silver chain dangling from his neck. Diego snatched it, breaking the chain in the process. 

"Dog tags." Diego told Five, holding them up.

"No! No! No! Give those back!" Now Grim was trying to pull out of the chair. 

"What, don't want us to know your real name?" Diego asked, raising an eyebrow.

"That's bold, you don't normally hear peoples' real names at the Commission." Five mused. "Not as an assassin anyway."

Diego looked up from the dog tags and back to Grim.

He knew the name on the tags. It wasn't Grim's.

"Keep an eye on that one, I'll be right back." Diego said, dropping the chain into Grim's lap.

"What about this one?" Five asked about Grim, but the man seemed more focused on the dog tags now in his lap.

"Don't touch him." Diego said firmly, turning to go upstairs.

Klaus was perfectly content to mope around his room all day. He was  _ tired _ . He was gaining more and more control over his powers, but he still couldn't keep the ghosts away as default. Not permanently. Not most days.

So Klaus was tired. And  _ something _ was causing a ruckus downstairs. Klaus flinched, his ears quickly moving to cover his ears.

Breathing deeply helped, but he wished someone was here with him.

"Hello sweetheart. Oh, dear. Come on, up off the floor silly." Grace said, smiling kindly as she placed down a plate of cookies and a steaming cup of cocoa.

"What's going on downstairs?" He asked, slowly picking himself up off the floor.

"Oh, a couple of people in masks were at the door. But don't worry, Diego and Five are handling it." 

Klaus stood stock still, nearly pushing past mom to go down and help but an iron strong hand gripped his wrist. 

"No, they'll handle it. They wanted me to keep you company." She said, smiling pleasantly. 

If Klaus didn't know any better he would have thought they just didn't want him to get in the way.

Klaus was  _ really _ glad he knew better. 

"They're ok?"

"Right as rain, dear!" She said. Klaus let out a relieved sigh, sitting on his bed.

Klaus tried not to let the noises downstairs bother him. Having mom up there with him helped a lot. 

Klaus was finishing off the last of his hot chocolate, and his fourth cookie when Diego came bursting into his room.

Klaus jumped up at the sudden intrusion, "Oh. No blood!" Klaus said, clapping "Yey!"

Diego rolled his eyes "Come on, we need your downstairs."

Klaus looked at Diego wearily. "Tougher than you thought? Need some extra muscle?" Klaus flexed his arms. He was no Luther, but he was now the third most muscular Hargreeves brother, thank you very much. 

Diego gave Klaus a  _ look _ , the kind that said 'I couldn't be more uninterested in your nonsense'. 

Diego made that  _ very _ clear when he grabbed Klaus' wrist and started dragging him out of his room. 

It was now that Klaus realized he wasn't wearing pants. Well joke's on Diego, the enemy will just  _ faint _ at his stunning gams, he won't even need to lift a finger.

He made sure to make his bare feet smack extra loud against the cold floor as he followed Diego downstairs.

"Man, you do that shit on purpose."

"Thanks for noticing! You've  _ dragged _ me from my comfy room. I was having a lovely time with mom and you  _ ruined  _ it."

"Yeah, well, you'll thank me later."

Klaus rolled his eyes " _ You _ didn't give me delicious cookies." Klaus muttered, eyeing Diego up and down. 

Klaus shrugged, the apron worked for him.

As he was led into their dad's office Klaus thought he felt his heart stop.

Five was sitting on their father's desk looking over a slip of paper. Two men were tied to chairs. One was on the floor, unconscious, but still breathing. Klaus was thankful they didn't kill him.

He was more concerned with the one still sitting up anyway. The one who just looked up from his lap.

Whose face was red and cheeks wet from crying.

The one he had spent months trying and failing to conjure.

Dave was sitting there, bound to a chair, covered in sweat, pleading quietly under his breath.

But Dave was there, bound to a chair. 

Klaus wanted to make a joke but his mouth was dry. 

Their father said he'd killed Dave. 

Five said there wasn't a single timeline he could find that Dave survived the war. 

Klaus had a lot of thoughts about his inability to conjure Dave. His family kept trying to convince him that Dave  _ did _ want to see Klaus, and that he  _ was _ getting better with his powers. Not one of them considered Dave might be alive.

Dave was  _ alive _ . 

Alive enough to come here, dressed in a suit and fight his brothers? Alive enough to look at Klaus with wonder, the same way Klaus looks at Dave. 

Alive enough to breathe.

To bleed.

Shit, he was bleeding. Klaus let out a pained noise and rushed over, pressing a hand to the wound on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I tried to go back, I  _ tried _ . But dad, and, and I thought you were dead. And when I didn't I got so angry. You were  _ dead _ ." Klaus wasn't even sure if the words were coming out properly. He was pretty sure he was just a sobbing mess as his hands shook to stem the flow of blood.

It was already stopped. Five had taken care of it while Diego went to get Klais.

He really hoped Dave understood. Klaus would never leave Dave on purpose. 

He was covered in blood though.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Judging by the way Dave was shaking he wasn't alone, he was understood. 

"Shit. shit!" Klaus got up and went to the back of the chair, fingers scrambling against blue rope. 

Klaus  _ really _ wished he could make a joke. Someone was pulling him away, he tried to fight them off, Dave was bleeding and tied up, and he needed to get him out. But he was shaking too much to do anything but swat at the invading hands.

"Oh." They were just trying to help it seemed. Because suddenly Dave was free, and he was  _ hugging _ Klaus, and Klaus could feel his hair, damp with sweat, tickling his neck as Dave buried his head into Klaus' shoulder.

They fell on the floor, too weak to hold themselves up. 

"I found you, I found you, I found you." Dave repeated breathlessly into Klaus. "It's ok, it's ok. I'm ok, darlin'. You're ok. I found you, I found you."

They sat there on the floor holding each other for a long time, both shaking and crying, trying to comfort each other, trying to explain. 

Enough time for the other man to come to once more. 

" Fuck you?!" He screeched, watching the scene in front of him. "Fuck man, the fuck is you. Fucking  _ caved _ ?" His head whipped over to Five and he snarled. "Smug fuck bastard. Chainsaw, now. Fight, chainsaw, you shit!"

"You destroyed it, went up in flames. Poof."

Five's voice, and the other guy yelling pulled the two lovers back to the present.

Klaus let out a hysterical laugh, running a thumb across Dave's face to wipe away his tears. Dave held up the broken dog tags, grinning at Klaus "I was looking for you. When I woke up at that place, when they told me what they wanted me to train for? I figured I could look for you… The angry pastry chef broke them, though." He added softly. 

Klaus felt his eyes water again, shaking his head rapidly. "He isn't a pastry chef. Just my brother." Klaus giggled, taking Dave's hand and squeezing it tightly. 

"Fucking Hell. Fuck you all! Fucking kill me then you sick fucking fuckheads."

Klaus looked at the man with confusion. "Oh shit, who the fuck are you?"

"Chainsaw." He spat, struggling in his chair.

"He was my partner. He was  _ very _ bad at everything. You would like him, I think." Dave said with amusement. 

"I like his suit." Klaus agreed. 

"Yeah it hides the blood stains of his enemies." Dave said, rolling his eyes.

"You nearly killed  _ yourself _ with your own chainsaw, dude." Diego pointed out. "You sure it isn't to hide your own?"

Five hopped down off the desk crouching down to get a good look at Chainsaw. "How about we make a deal. I let you go, and you let your boss know that we aren't so easy to take down. There's a reason they're the Handler now." He said, giving the man a sharp, toothy smile. 

Whatever else Chainsaw saw in Five's face seemed to snap  _ something _ into place. He nodded vigorously, finally laying still. 

As soon as he was untied he raced out the door, Five following him. A flash of blue by the front door indicated the assassin left.

"Gross he left his creepy mask here." Diego said, looking at the clown face still laying on the floor.

"So why are we keeping this one?" Five asked, pointing to Dave.

"Five! This is  _ Dave _ !" Klaus said excitedly, tugging on Dave's suit jacket "Did I not say it was Dave? Because it's Dave, right Dave?"

Dave laughed, cupping Klaus' face in his hands and pulled him into a chaste kiss. 

"Right, Klaus."

**Author's Note:**

> The New Handler(?): Ok, noob, pick a costume.
> 
> Dave: *Chooses the costume most popular with teens, young adults, and murderers since 1996* 
> 
> I call Chainsaw "Greltherface the Chainsaw Weilding Clown" (if you want to know where my brain was at), and Stitches is a real movie.


End file.
